i’ve been looking for a blog home for a long time now. i tried a bunch (and i mean a bunch) but they never fit. too frivolous, too cynical … or just lacking in significance. but i’ve found it here. i’m not sure how i know, but this is it. i’ll be here for a while.

maybe it’s the timing. i’m less than 2 months away from this event which has stripped every superficial meaning from my life, consecrating, burning, crushing everything but the essentials and most of those too. an event … it seems so frivolous to call the death and birth of my son an event. it did happen at a definite point in the past, and now it is over. but he is not over. his influence is not over. his personality is not over. and i cling to that hope harder than i’ve ever clung to anything in my life, and clinging to that hope forces me to hold other hopes – hope for heaven, for family, for life to be meaningful again.

and so i’m here to document my tenuous journey to meaning.

maybe i don’t have any new insight to add to the collective journey to meaning, undertaken by all of humanity since the beginning of time, but i must share. i am compelled to share because even if i have nothing to offer, sky does. his life was beautiful, and so i will write this journey, compelled by a mother’s longing, a little boy’s significance, and a God of hope.


2 thoughts on “home”

  1. Lani, I am so glad you have found a means of grieving. Without the process of grieving (which can take as long as necessary, there’s no rushing it) there will be no growth. I am grateful that you’ve allowed others to be witnesses of God’s grace to you on your journey. Thank you for sharing your life and Sky’s. I am blessed by you both and I look forward to the day when you will both be reunited in our true home.

    Here is a song you may or may not know, written and sung by someone with a similar situation. (I hope you can just listen to the words. I didn’t know how else to share the song without finding a pre-made video. I hope you will allow the words to reach your heart. But I don’t think you’re like me; I become too cynical in the midst of pain to appreciate any messages of hope.) Here it is:

  2. I am thankful you have found a home, a place to share your thoughts and journey. As a friend, I want to share in your pain a bit, and yet it is hard in the fast pace of life to really be able to share, or be there the way we want. Thank you for sharing your journey and allowing us to come along side you. Sky touched so many lives and will never be forgotten 🙂 we love you!

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