confused

by lani

i am so confused.

yesterday was 2 months since sky was born. yesterday i also posted his life story, shared it, and …. a lot of people read it.

at first i was on a bit of a high – not a sunshine-flowers-happy high, but a wide-eyed-oh-my-gosh high. well, that crashed pretty quickly.

i feel so guilty, like i’m appropriating sky’s life for attention. like i’ve usurped his story for my advertisement. the guilt swells and threatens to choke me … what have i done? i put my dead child on display; i laid my heart out naked for the world to judge.

what possessed me do this? vanity? popularity? can i plead temporary insanity?

in posting his pictures and story, i feel like i’m pirating the life of an unknown person. i don’t know his mind. i don’t know if he wants his pictures plastered all over the internet. he is a stranger to me. what right have i to treat him so cavalierly?

most parents get to move past the initial “who is this and did i really make it?!” phase with their babies. i will never move past it with sky. he will always be remote, aloof.

i am torn between the intense desire to share my beautiful child with the world, and the awful illicit responsibility of appropriating the distribution rights to a stranger’s life.

like i said, i’m confused.

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