confused

i am so confused.

yesterday was 2 months since sky was born. yesterday i also posted his life story, shared it, and …. a lot of people read it.

at first i was on a bit of a high – not a sunshine-flowers-happy high, but a wide-eyed-oh-my-gosh high. well, that crashed pretty quickly.

i feel so guilty, like i’m appropriating sky’s life for attention. like i’ve usurped his story for my advertisement. the guilt swells and threatens to choke me … what have i done? i put my dead child on display; i laid my heart out naked for the world to judge.

what possessed me do this? vanity? popularity? can i plead temporary insanity?

in posting his pictures and story, i feel like i’m pirating the life of an unknown person. i don’t know his mind. i don’t know if he wants his pictures plastered all over the internet. he is a stranger to me. what right have i to treat him so cavalierly?

most parents get to move past the initial “who is this and did i really make it?!” phase with their babies. i will never move past it with sky. he will always be remote, aloof.

i am torn between the intense desire to share my beautiful child with the world, and the awful illicit responsibility of appropriating the distribution rights to a stranger’s life.

like i said, i’m confused.

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5 thoughts on “confused”

  1. Well, not that it really helps with your confusion, but most parents flood facebook, blogs and emails with pictures and stories of their babies. At least you shared something beautiful and enabled people to learn a bit about his personality, rather than posting things he would one day be embarrassed by.

    I know this is “Sky’s blog,” but really he never had life apart from you. You two were so co-mingled that this is as much his story as yours. It is simply up to you how much of yourself you are willing to put out there. Sky Gabriel cannot be hurt by your sharing, only you can. You have not exploited your precious child. He has been memorialized. He will always remain a perfect, pure, unknowable ideal. And that is why you grieve.

  2. Sharing your story is in NO way exploiting your precious child. If this medium helps you to grieve please do not stop. Those of us who choose to read it, do so with a loving heart. We are curious to know Sky….
    CYT Mom

  3. Lani (and Joel) —

    Your dad forwarded your blog address to those of us in the “Westnomah” breakfast group because we were aware of Sky’s stillbirth. As a parent (and grandparent), I can’t imagine the pain you are experiencing. I have been praying for you two ever since this happened, that you would be comforted by our loving God and that you would turn to Him for that comfort, rather than away from Him. I’ve also been praying for Ray and Tamara (I don’t know Joel’s parents), that they would know how best to comfort and support you.

    I am amazed at your ability to describe what you have been and are going through. Marcia and I will continue to pray for the healing that we know may never be complete until you are will Sky in heaven…

    Lynn Ruark

  4. Hey Lani,

    Thank you for sharing your family. I’ve heard the notion that the soul grows through suffering, and I think there’s something to that. I’ve heard it said that perhaps the reason no one can look upon God and live is because of His pain–that His suffering is His glory, perhaps that too is true.

    As Kara and I reflect upon you, Joel and Sky, we remember. We remember Sky and the hope of his birth. We remember that he is lost forever to you while the rest of the world is moving on, forgetting so quickly the pain you two are undergoing. We remember, and pray. I find it unjust how easily we forget.

    I gave Ian a book of piano music to bring to you. I hope he did. It’s “Freedom” by Michael W. Smith. One of my favorite songs is “the giving.” It’s meant a lot to me–I hope in it you find comfort/inspiration/joy, though you certainly have a broader knowledge of good music than I do.

    Kara misses Sky. I do too.
    Remembering,
    Jordan

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