faith

by lani

adapted from a 2am journal entry:

i feel such a burning loss tonight, an angry sad
my heart is torn and my breast cries out for the injustice
my stomach craves relief from the gnawing pain
my leaden lungs are too tired to inflate
my arms ache with emptiness
and my head with confusion

i cry, but tears bring no relief
they struggle from my eyes and crawl back into my ears
soaking my face in wet shame

in the valley of the shadow of death
that comes at 2am like no other time
i fear no evil
i have already lost my child
what is left to fear?

i gaze on evil
i cannot rise to meet it
i lie down
exhausted and apathetic

what is more evil than a naked and helpless child
robbed of his life
stripped of relationships
betrayed and strangled by the cord of his lifeblood?

this is not design
this is not providence
this is not God’s will

this is evil
wholly bad
defies order
chaos

the enigma of God is not how a good God can cause evil to happen

no,

the enigma of God is in His impossible promise to make the evil into good
to restore moments that are forever lost
to unbreak the shattered pieces
to balance scales tipped with the weight of the universe

God promised.
(the little child cries in ringing whine, “but you proooomised!!!”)

and if He could forget this promise before my son died
He cannot now

i cry every day in ringing whine
you promised
remember, you promised
i won’t let you forget that you promised
i don’t know how you’re going to do it but you promised so you have to
so there.

 

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