unrest

by lani

today is the warmest, prettiest day since sky died. the sky is fading off in palest blues and yellows against the spiky silhouette of our wormy apple tree. i am spending this twilight starting intensely through the washed out colors of the sunset, itching for different. i want to feel something different, do something different, be something different.

losing a child is big. it is a big thing. and i am determined to feel it, to experience and learn from it. i will not be unchanged. my current conceptions are not big enough to hold the bigness of losing a baby. my tidy box of life, expectations, and trust has been blown wide open, scattering still-pulsing bits far, far away. i must go find them. i will bring them back, dust them off, and carefully piece them back together in new designs until life makes sense again.

also, what the heck did that paragraph mean? what a lot of dreamwords, strung together in sentences that sound huge and meaningful and mobilizing. it’s easy to live in a dreamworld at twilight, especially with atmospheric music softening the edges of reality. but really, i have no idea how i will go about finding errant pulsing life pieces and dusting them and whatever else i said i was going to do with them. maybe I’ll have a few minutes for soul searching tomorrow between classes.

and i know that, tomorrow, the mundane will form a hedge around the dreamworld unrest of twilight. but that unrest will still simmer there, prompting an unrelenting quest for deeper understanding, a quest that will take the rest of my life.

losing a child is big.

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