wondering

i wonder if it snows in heaven.

i wonder if babies who die become insta-adults, or if they grow up in a huge heavenly orphanage, playing with Jesus and being loved on by bible characters.

i wonder if he can see the same stars i see.

i wonder what language he is learning. language shapes thought in profound ways … are there even words for “i miss you” in the language of heaven?

i wonder if he misses me.

i wonder where our lost time together is stored, and how we will get it back when time is no more.

i wonder what he would have feared, and what i would have feared for him.

i wonder if it hurt, if he was afraid … or if he was secure in my heartbeat until his stopped. i will never know.

i wonder what hurts would have taught him to forgive. i wonder who he would have hurt, and how they will learn to forgive now. i wonder how i would have hurt him, and what it would have felt like to be forgiven by him.

i wonder who his siblings will be, and what big brother fights games secrets talks jokes wrestles hugs will never be.

i wonder if he would have married, rosy cooing girl-baby somewhere who will never know his love. i wonder if she will marry someone else, and if someone else will love her as well as he would. i wonder who gets to be her mother-in-law.

i wonder what children and grandchildren will never exist, and if the lack of their existence matters. i wonder if I can mourn people who will never be, or if there’s something sacrilegious about that.

i wonder what career field will miss his innovations and camaraderie. i wonder who will fill his office, or studio, or cubicle, or truck, or apron.

i wonder what sports teams will be short one player, which choirs will be missing a tenor. or maybe sports and music aren’t his thing. i wonder.

i wonder if the little boys and girls who would be his friends will feel the sky-shaped hole in their life.

i wonder if his name is still sky, or if he has a new name that i don’t know.

i wonder what causes him to wonder.

i wonder if it’s spring in heaven, and his baby eyes are seeing flowers for the first time.

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7 thoughts on “wondering”

  1. as i read i pause with each wonder and wonder with you, dear lani. so much unknown. so much never to be. so much missed. we were robbed. not just of bringing home your bouncing baby boy, but of oh, so much more. days, months, and years that lie ahead.

    i again, commend your courage. that of a great warrior. to enter the battlefield of what has been lost. and what will continue to be lost. and to look at it. and call it out. and to say “out loud” what was taken from you and from others you may never even meet. those people, experiences, and feelings only sky could have ushered in to your life. he is now doing all of those things unique to him, but doing them in heaven.

    as you take another step forward in your grief and as you take steps back, we walk with you. you have let us (your readers) in to your innermost pain and we are honored. you are not alone in your wondering.

  2. Lani, I have to believe he knows you and that, one sweet day, you will meet Sky and know he is yours. I think family takes care of these too-soon angels until our time comes. Sky, I am sure, misses you in a loving way as he has known you for 9 months, grew with the joy in your heart and murmured sound of your voice. I applaud your courage. It takes a lot to delve into the abyss of what might have been and come out unscathed and ready to try again. Sky will be loved by his future siblings and in your heart and Joel’s heart forever.

  3. I love your wonderings… so many are things I’ve wondered as well. Waiting for the day when we get to ask, and hear the (likely, surprising) answers… (and I bet, since God created every numbered star, heaven’s got a pretty great view of them all somehow.)

  4. I ALWAYS wonder about the insta-adults thing! Especially for the four I lost early… I mean, how do you talk to a tiny little baby so barely formed??? Definitely not the same as your little Sky but I still wonder!

  5. I had a friend recommend Heaven Is for Real. The little boy describes meeting his sister in Heaven, and that description just resonated with me. It’s not Scripture, but it is very special to me and how I see my baby, who died at 6 weeks old, in Heaven.

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