wondering

by lani

i wonder if it snows in heaven.

i wonder if babies who die become insta-adults, or if they grow up in a huge heavenly orphanage, playing with Jesus and being loved on by bible characters.

i wonder if he can see the same stars i see.

i wonder what language he is learning. language shapes thought in profound ways … are there even words for “i miss you” in the language of heaven?

i wonder if he misses me.

i wonder where our lost time together is stored, and how we will get it back when time is no more.

i wonder what he would have feared, and what i would have feared for him.

i wonder if it hurt, if he was afraid … or if he was secure in my heartbeat until his stopped. i will never know.

i wonder what hurts would have taught him to forgive. i wonder who he would have hurt, and how they will learn to forgive now. i wonder how i would have hurt him, and what it would have felt like to be forgiven by him.

i wonder who his siblings will be, and what big brother fights games secrets talks jokes wrestles hugs will never be.

i wonder if he would have married, rosy cooing girl-baby somewhere who will never know his love. i wonder if she will marry someone else, and if someone else will love her as well as he would. i wonder who gets to be her mother-in-law.

i wonder what children and grandchildren will never exist, and if the lack of their existence matters. i wonder if I can mourn people who will never be, or if there’s something sacrilegious about that.

i wonder what career field will miss his innovations and camaraderie. i wonder who will fill his office, or studio, or cubicle, or truck, or apron.

i wonder what sports teams will be short one player, which choirs will be missing a tenor. or maybe sports and music aren’t his thing. i wonder.

i wonder if the little boys and girls who would be his friends will feel the sky-shaped hole in their life.

i wonder if his name is still sky, or if he has a new name that i don’t know.

i wonder what causes him to wonder.

i wonder if it’s spring in heaven, and his baby eyes are seeing flowers for the first time.

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