grief

it’s like a huge hole has been blown right into the center of our lives. and the hole will never heal or get any smaller, but our lives will continue to get bigger, so the hole won’t occupy the same percentage of the whole that it does now.

~ joel

the stages of grief
are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

additions:

peevishness
today i am peeved that i’m dropping things, peeved that other people exist, and peeved that my baby is not here right now. peeved, i tell you. peeved.

resentment
oh, look at all the alive babies everywhere. how about if the entire freaking world keeps their living babies and healthy pregnancies and conversations about family and media images of children and baby announcements on facebook and any words related to the aforementioned (i’d be happy to provide a list) out of my life this week. that’s not selfish and unreasonable, is it?

shock
[doing the dishes]
[humming]
wait … what?

holy cow anxiety
it’s “holy cow anxiety” because you can pretty much say hello to every fear you’ve harbored since toddlerhood, including that one about ceasing to exist if you can’t have pie right now.

daydreamlessness
daydreams are like futurehopes. when the biggest futurehope of my daydream is impossible, dreaming becomes an exercise of futility. and, frankly, existentialism bores me.

the grief graph

before loss:

after loss:

remember when i talked about sky’s death as a huge hole in the center of our lives that won’t get smaller? in some ways it has the properties of a black hole, in that all of life comes back to that; conversations about other things always come back to sky. huge swaths of life got sucked into it, and we’re only just starting to get them out.

~ joel

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4 thoughts on “grief”

  1. and for all the rest of us who just watch holes of this magnitude be blasted into other people’s lives, what a gift you give us. we haven’t been taught about the “peevishness” of grief, but now when we see it, we can remember it’s not about us. the textbook didn’t list “resentment”, but now we can approach subjects with more sensitivity knowing how it might effect those with vast holes. the PSA didn’t mention “holy cow anxiety”, but now maybe we can see how it relates to loss and do our best to be a peaceful harbor in those moments.
    joel, thank you for the opening of our eyes to the hole that never reduces in size. the hole that never gets filled. the hole that will forever change the landscape of your life. may we always be sensitive and gentle and honor the courage you have shown in letting us in. love to you both.

  2. I love how Joel phrased that first quote… because it’s absolutely true. Four years later and it’s beginning to feel like it might be, anyway. He’s a wise man, that husband of yours. Praying for you both ~ black holes are irregular and unpredictable, that’s for sure.

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