don’t go chasing after the grand theme, the idea, i told my students, as if it is separate from the story itself. the idea or ideas behind the story must come to you through the experience of the novel and not as something tacked onto it.
~ azar nafisi, reading lolita in tehran

would you like to know why i haven’t written much lately? maybe you hadn’t noticed that i haven’t written much lately – i’ve never exactly been religious in the area of blog regularity. so i’m informing you now: i haven’t written very much of anything lately.

my goal in life is to have a story worth telling, and i’m waiting for the moral to my story. i want to tell a story that makes sense, written in the past tense. a story with pathos, yes, but past-pathos, articulated beautifully instead of raw and incoherent. i’m waiting to blog about my life until my life starts to make sense.

because, honestly, very little in our life makes sense right now. our baby died a year ago, and we are parents with no children.  i am in school right now, but with no major or definite course of study. joel spent the last 5 years in nursing school, and now he can’t find a nursing job. i am taking hormones to prepare my body to induce lactation when we adopt, but we have no adoption prospects; in the hormonal sense i am pregnant right now, but with no baby.

these are paradoxes, not parables. stories without morals, they are messy and confusing, littered together through our lives like multi-colored confetti at a birthday party (but without the presents or cake).

but what if the point of the story isn’t in the story, but is the story.
what if the story cannot be compressed into a point?
what if trials are not, at their root, lessons in character development?
perhaps my story is worth telling, not because of its resolution, but simply because it is my story.

i wonder how often we do this to god’s story. i’m not denying that there are lessons to be learned and morals to ponder, but perhaps we are often so eager to find the truth in god’s story that we miss the truth that is god’s story. a messy, confusing, sometimes contradictory story that doesn’t always make perfect sense … kind of like mine.

this is the place in the blog where i would like to insert a pithy last paragraph to tie it together, because it feels very unfinished  right now. i didn’t address mindfulness like i intended to, i didn’t articulate and defend that part about god very well, and on the whole i feel a bit insecure about hitting the publish button.

but maybe that’s the point.




3 thoughts on “moralizing”

  1. It IS! I’m living on little pieces of confetti right now. We just seem to skip from one to the other. But noticing the color takes mindfulness and enjoying the random takes mindfulness and not feeling depressed by the lack of productivity takes mindfulness. And, that, my friend, is what I believe makes my life beautiful.

  2. Yes! Write! I’m glad you didn’t have to wake up 10 or 20 years from now and think, “Why did I never have anything to write about? What was the moral of my story or did I even have a story?” You’re living it! It is now. Raw. Sad. Amazing. Difficult. Joy filled. Messy. And beautiful. Live in and embrace the present. Then 10 or 20 years from now you’ll think “Wow, what did I do to deserve to live such an amazing story?!?!”

    Thanks for sharing.

  3. This one post pulled me in and makes me want to read more. Write, by all means. Not only do you have something to say, but you say it beautifully. Write!

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